the black eyed susan: 2012

Dear 2012,

I welcome you with open arms and a huge smile. I haven't made any resolutions this year, and even though I was planning on it, I don't think I intend to. I love resolutions and lists and fresh starts, but this year I am just going to run blindly forward as fast as I can and open myself up to whatever comes at me.

This year, I wore a party dress and heels for New Years Eve (of course, I later changed into jeans and flats and tucked my dress up to make it look like a shirt so that I could walk to Marietta Square - Ha!). I've never taken the time to get all dolled up for the new year before. How pleasing it was to paint my nails a sparkly gold just to usher you in. No one else saw that gold, but I knew it was there.

This year, I turn 30. How excited I am!!! And I really mean that. No, I don't want wrinkles. I don't want to say goodbye to my youth. But I am so so so excited for this next year, this next decade, this next 30 years. I thought I would be married with a few kids by this point in my life. I thought I would own my own house, not be renting and have a roommate. I won't lie - for a while that depressed me. But just look at what I have instead:

Two families (Tom's and mine) that I absolutely adore.
A really killer job (at times I hate it, at others I pinch myself when I remember that I've got it).
The ability to dream big (and dream big I surely do).
Amazing friends.
A heart completely filled with love.

I don't think I could really ask for more. And yet, 2012 already holds so much in my mind. I have so much to look forward to.

Moving to DC.
Running a marathon with one amazing chica.
Celebrating the big 3-0 with a celebration so over the top we haven't quite decided on it yet (I am leaning towards a Trans Siberian Rail trip from Moscow through Mongolia and ending in Beijing).
Watching my baby sister get married, on the front lawn of the house that we all grew up in and that holds so many cherished memories.

My enthusiasm can perhaps feel too forced at times. I do try to turn the bad into the good. I do try to find happiness and inspiration in the smallest of moments. Some people find it all a bit too Pollyanna, and perhaps it is. But I know what sadness feels like. I know what it is to be constantly looking down, constantly feeling down. And I have vowed to never go there again. I try to string my bad days in between a long link of good ones.

This, I believe, has been the biggest single accomplishment of my 20's. Realizing that happiness is a choice. And not a choice you make one time one day to last forever, but a choice you have to make every day and in every moment. I am grateful that I have learned this lesson. I am grateful that I don't have to be 23 again. I am grateful to be 29-almost-30. This spot right here is a fine place to be.

Well, 2012, here is my vow. My one resolution: I won't take you for granted or let you pass idly by. I promise to 'live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.'