Reverb 10 Day 29 - Defining Moment

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.


I've struggled this month with Reverb 10, mostly because I am unsure of how I want my responses to read. I don't want them to be journal entries (I can do that in a more private forum), but I do want to use them to dig deep into the marrow of something important.

I want to use this blog to reach out. To become more connected to you. To be a part of a larger collective of folks who care about this world and the people in it, and who dream of becoming more on the inside and having less on the outside.

Which means that I read this prompt for the day:

December 29 – Defining Moment
Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

and I think: what is my defining moment/series of moments? At the same time I also think: why should you care, and how will my response allow me to connect with you?

And so I have struggled. Some of the posts this month have been intensely personal, and I have decided not to share them here. Not because I am modest and nervous of over sharing (I am), but because I am unsure of what you can glean from a post that is Dana-centric and only relates to me.

I guess, in the end, we can all relate to each other in some way. We are all human, and the threads that hold me together also reach out to you. When I read your stories, when you tell me your story, when we share stories together, it resonates with me. In the same way, I hope that my stories resonate with you.
 
I could tell you again in great detail how the most defining moment/series of moments of my year all relate to this blog. Starting this blog, maintaining this blog, sharing myself on this blog, have changed my life. Before this year I don't remember ever reading another blog. Now I read several daily. I am getting to know people that I have never met in my life, simply because I read their stories every day, share their hopes, cry with them and watch their children grow.

Participating in this virtual community has changed me, has given me new ideas and has inspired me.

Thank you.

Thank you for sharing this space for me, for giving me words when I am feeling empty, for supporting me and for being here.

My most defining moment this year was not one moment at all, but a series of moments that grew into something more. A new perspective, a new stage of growth, a new Dana.

This community has sustained me. What has sustained you? Are you being sustained? If not, what could you do about it in 2011?

PS. Happy Birthday to my amazing father!

Reverb 10 Day 28 - Achieve

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 28 – Achieve

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

This topic is timely, it resonates within me, it says with a whisper 'yes now you will do that little thing that you have been wanting to do.' Only the thing is not so little. It is big. Very big. It carries with it my dreams and ambitions and being and hopes. In 2011 I will take steps toward this thing - this thing that I want to call my purpose but dare not because it seems too cliche - and embrace it as reality instead of as dream. This thing will start to take shape through the fog that lies between myself and it. At the end of 2011 this thing may not be fully visible through the fog, but the outlines will be. Or better yet, I think that the insides will be drawn in - the heart of the matter - but the outlines will be fuzzy. I'm not sure what the bounds of this thing is, but I will not try to define it just yet. I will give it - and me - time.

And since right now I am still looking at the fog - I do not have the heart of the matter or the outlines or even the shading figured out - this blog post must also be just as fuzzy. I have not defined my action steps or goals or pathways, I only know that I am going to do something about this next year.

All that I can tell you right now is that my lifetime dream is to be a sheep farmer, a shepard, an owner of flocks, a sheerer of sheep, a knitter of wool. These things will find their way into my life. I am sure of it, but I am unsure of when and am certainly unsure of how. Next year, in 2011, I will simply pick up the pencil, sit at the drafting table, peer into the fog, and draw what I see. Next year I will try to color in the heart of the matter - without actually making an outline - and then I will pick up my feet and walk towards that image.

And as for the second part of the prompt 'how do you imagine it will make you feel and write down ten things that will make you feel that way today,' I'm going to skip it. I love the exercise, but it isn't appropriate for this thing that is too big and too murky for me to describe here. I am at the beginning of process, and am going to sit with it for awhile, research it, toss it from one hand to the next, form it and shape it. I cannot begin to imagine recreating this feeling that I get when I imagine taking it on as my own. This is one thing that I do not want to make into a list, and for this reason only - if you know me at all - you must know that this thing is truly big.

pictures from here here and here

What do you hope to achieve next year??

Reverb Ten Day Sixteen - Friendship

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 16 – Friendship

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I'm tired today, and was tempted to not even post. I went directly from work to home depot to barnes and noble to hobby lobby to REI to home to crafting to..... well, here I am. I am feeling good about my xmas preparations, but my bed is calling my name.

Today's post has to do with friends, and I fear that I am too exhausted to do the topic justice. After all, who would we be without our friends? Mine have saved me, challenged me and comforted me. Most of them live far away, but a few are near and dear. All are close to my heart.

I'm just going to be honest and say that nothing is coming to mind on a way that "a friend has changed my perspective on the world this year." Isn't that sad? Because all of my friends have impacted me and shaped me dearly, and each has impacted my world in her own special way.

I usually read the reverb prompt in the morning and mull it over during the day and then write at night before I go to bed. I read the prompt this morning, but have had no time to mull. I will mull as I fall asleep this evening, mull about my beautiful amazing friends. How lucky I am to have them.....

*I'm going to be making a craft tomorrow that looks amazingly easy and will work great as a gift for coworkers or as the topper to a wrapped present..... or simply as a tree ornament! Check back tomorrow for the deets.

*Maybe its just because I have Christmas on the brain, but when I saw these today I nearly jumped for joy. They will be the perfect tags to accompany my homemade gifts.... Go here for the {free!} download, and don't forget to give the gal some love!

Reverb Ten Day Fifteen - 5 Minutes

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 15 – 5 Minutes
Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

So many wonderful/intense/scary/beautiful things happened this year.

I went to a beautiful cabin in the North Georgia Mountains for Tom's 30th and to another cabin in North Carolina for Thanksgiving. I went to San Francisco, Ireland, Turkey, Paris, the beach of South Carolina. I spent quality time with my family, my friends, my love, my Barley. I went on a 100 mile bike ride, I hiked mountains, and I ran a marathon. I spent two gruelling weeks at a Basic Officer Course in DC, met the Surgeon General and the Assistant Secretary of Health, worked my butt off on a project that tested my capacity for scrutiny, and met people - real people - that made my work real to me. I got engaged, I cut off my hair, I started a blog {this blog!!}, and I started my bucket list. I moved to a new house, learned how to can apple butter, went to two weddings (last year I went to six!).................

Five minutes? I read the prompt and thought they were out of their mind. How would I summarize the year? How could I choose five minutes? Should I spend a few seconds on each big event and remember each one until the five minutes were up?

No.

If my mind were about to be erased, and I could only hold five minutes close to my heart and keep them forever, I would choose the five most peaceful moments of my year. I would remember my stillness, the feeling of warm air on skin, looking at Tom across the cushions, eating cucumber and feta and tomatoes meal after meal. I would lie back in the warmth, hold the Efes in my hand, breathe in and out, look at the people in the courtyard that represented country after country talking with each other, playing ping pong, sipping beer, heading out for a walk to the Mediterranean. I would capture this moment of being in Turkey with Tom, sitting still and enjoying the moment, not being a tourist or an American or a person with a list, but just being. I would close my eyes, listen to the different accents commingling to form a perfect harmony, and I would smile.

If this were all I could remember of 2010, I would be happy. I would be content. I would remember it as the year that I didn't do much, but felt it all.

*Curious about this trip to Turkey? I spent much of my time in Istanbul, but we started our vacation with a three-day stay in Olympos, one of the most relaxing places I've ever been. Go here if you'd like to read a bit more about the trip

And as for that relaxing bit in the beginning, I'll post some pics to elaborate.....

{little relaxing oasis in the trees}

Reverb 10 Day Fourteen - Gratitude

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 14 - Gratitude
What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

{The original title for this prompt was 'Appreciate,' but I decided to change it to 'Gratitude.' To me, appreciate is superficial, and gratitude is miles deep. You can use appreciate in your prompt if you'd like.}

Gratitude is an important part of my life, and I think I do a pretty good decent job of being grateful. Grateful for friends; for family; for clean laundry; for the fact that I came home from work yesterday and Tom had cleaned the kitchen, poured me a glass of wine and had dinner almost ready. I am grateful for my life, even when it seems that it isn't going my way.

When Tom and I thought of the four things that we would most want to pass on to our children {yes he tolerates my love of lists very well}, gratitude was at the top of my list. If my children are grateful, I feel that I will have succeeded.

That being said, I know I'm not always 100% grateful, and like everyone else I'm sure I have a long ways to go. When I first read this prompt the first thing I thought of was 'sleep.' Never before this year was I so grateful for real, deep, dreamless sleep. I cherish it, long for it, and try to cancel things that interfere with it. Eight hours of sleep is my always-goal.

After I sat with the prompt for a while longer, however (I am a day late in posting this, so I've been thinking about it quite a bit), I realized that for 2010 I really need to be grateful for process.
 
Process
 
This year hasn't gone how I thought it would in a lot of ways. Minute-to-minute I sometimes find myself stumbling over my words and actions and self. Many times over this past year I have been struck by the feeling that I am wandering in circles... in the dark. My favorite quote used to be that one by Robert Frost about taking the road less travelled and how it makes all the difference. Now I find myself thinking 'No, I'm pretty sure I want to be on that other path. The one over there with all the people on it.'
 
I also know that when you get off a path like that, when you emerge from the woods all dusty and scratched and blinded by the suddenly-there sunshine, you are able to look behind you and say 'I came from there, and now I am here, and I am grateful.' More grateful than if you had taken the well-travelled path in the first place.
 
Though I want to be on that well-travelled path with all the people on it, I'm grateful to be on this one. This one that is teaching me about process, and waiting, and opening up a new piece of myself to a new piece of the world.
 
I am here - part of a process that is bigger than my hopes and dreams and worries and joys - and am grateful.

Reverb 10 Day Thirteen - Action

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 13 – Action
When it comes to aspirations, it's not about ideas. It's about making ideas happen. What's your next step?

I think this prompt was written just for me. I am the queen of aspirations and big ideas - and I am quick to jump from one to another. Rather than tame my ambitions, I try to define them, write them down and complete them. I write lists. More than the everyday to-do list (buy milk after work) and less than the all-important Bucket List (visit every continent), my inspiration lists fall on a weekly, monthly, or yearly time frame (send care packages to three people I love this month).

I find that these 'inspiration lists' propel me into action much more than my to-do lists and bucket lists do. That being said, I still find myself flying from one ambition to the next, oftentimes leaving the last project unfinished. The end of the year seems like the perfect time to evaluate what's working, what's not, and where to go next.

Tying up loose ends.

As easy as it is for me to write my ideas and inspirations and then cross them off when they are complete {oh I love lists!}, it is equally as difficult to remain grounded in a certain truth that ties my inspirations together and keeps me focused. What I am missing is a focal point - a point from which all other inspirations spring.

Currently, I have this:

123rf.com

What I am aiming for is this:

pottery barn

This may be a silly analogy, but I also think it is an accurate one. And I like that the second picture allows me to continue going off in a million directions all at once.

Acting on my ambitions is not a problem. Making sure that those ambitions are in line with my true self - and then following through on those ambitions - is more of a challenge day-to-day.

Therefore:

My action is to find that center point that keeps all of my wild ambitions and off-the-wall inspirations in check. I am happy to entertain even the oddest wish from the most far-reaching portion of my brain, so long as that wish springs from and relates to my focal point. Finding this center point (whether it be a word, an idea, or a feeling) will allow me to remain grounded {with feet in the air!} in this wild and precious life.

What is your next action?

Reverb 10 Day Twelve - Body Integration

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 12 – Body Integration
This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

October 31, 2010. Marine Corps Marathon. Washington, DC

I'm not as prepared as I want to be - as I was last time - but I am here and am committed to finishing. The energy surrounding me is excited, intense.

Mile 0-12: I'm excited, my muscles aren't too tired, I'm able to run without thinking about the physical part. It feels easy. I'm probably going too fast. I'm not pacing myself like I should be. I am happy. People are cheering, the world feels alive, I fly down the streets of DC.

Mile 12-20: This hurts. I don't remember it being this difficult this soon in the race. I'm questioning my decision to run. I'm not happy about the lack of cheering crowds on Hains Point. Was it this hard two years ago? I don't think so.... My feet pound on the pavement, and my steps don't seem to be in rhythm with my breathing. My body and my mind are fighting.

Mile 20-26.2: Running doesn't become less painful at this point. The very act of running and breathing and hurting and continuing on enters both my body and my mind in just the same frequencies, and I pound the pavement and breathe in and think out all with the same inhale and the same exhale. Breathing in and out, in and out, my mind also breathes in and out, in and out. At this moment, we are one. Body and mind, acting together with one common goal. Finish.... finish..... finish.

Reverb Ten Day Eleven - 11 Things

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 11 – 11 Things
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1. Blogger - I love blogging, {and communicating with you!} but dealing with this site is becoming quite a pain. My technical issues with blogger are all small, but as I'm now spending so much time here I figure I either need to learn more about blogger so I can use it better or find another site entirely. (Don't worry, I'll let you know if I change sites!) {and if you use another site or have bought your own, please lend me a little advice!}

2. My blackberry - i "need" it for work (or at least that's what my boss told me) but I'm ready to give it the boot. I've become one of those people who check (and sometimes even respond to!) work emails in the evenings and on weekends. As I write this my blackberry is sitting right next to me on the couch. This really has to stop, and next year I'm going to focus on being fully present at home when i am home.

3. Facebook - Facebook has actually really enhanced my life in a lot of ways, either through reconnecting with old friends or getting to know new ones. But as I mentioned above, being constantly connected to technology is really starting to take its toll on my life. For the month of December I am doing a 'facebook fast', and I'm enjoying my time without the social network. When I start using facebook again in the new year, I'm going to be more mindful of how I use the site, how much time I should allow for different activities, and who my virtual friends are.

{time out! i just realized that so far all of my items have to do with technology. i've got to explore this theme in more depth i think....}

4. Snarky people - this is a tough one, and one i've already been working on for awhile. i try to surround myself with positive people - people who aren't going to shoot me and others down. I've been working on not gossiping, and like to be around people who try to avoid dragging people down.

*disclaimer - we can all be negative at times. I know I certainly am. I'm not saying I cut out my friends who have bad days/months. I'm saying that I don't like being around people who relish in the negative and emphasize others' bad points. I've got some friends who are realists/are sarcastic/have a dry sense of humor, and I love them to bits!!

5. Clean laundry on the bed - I want to let everyone out there know that Tom is the most patient human on earth. I use our guest bed to store all of my clean unfolded laundry. It goes directly from the dryer to the top of that bed and stays there until I wear it, and Tom is probably ready to have a conniption. I probably don't even blame him. Its a bad habit. Its got to go.

6. My commute - Enough said. i need to either a) move b) start working from home a day or two a week or c) change jobs. I am tired of getting up at 5am every morning so I can drive into town before 6:30am rush hour. I'm going to work on this in 2011.

7. Tension - I'm about as flexible as your average 2x4, and for several years I've been meaning to start yoga or something equally as noble. Even if I don't make it to a yoga class every Sunday, I'd still like to work on stretching my muscles. Goal: touch toes without bending knees by year's end. You may think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. Running my marathon was difficult mostly because I could feel my muscles tightening at the idea of a breaking into a full stride. Oh the shame.....

8. Piles of clutter...... This isn't one I would have put here myself, but as I'm writing this Tom insists I add it. So yes, I'll try to remove piles of clutter from my life (and his) in 2011. Sometimes the people closest to us have a better idea of how we can improve than we do. When I asked him what I need to get rid of, he said 'piles of clutter' without batting an eye or taking his attention away from the movie we're watching right now.

9. Mounds-o-items - When I moved from California to Georgia on Memorial Day weekend in May of 2007, I packed my car. If it didn't fit into my car, it didn't make the cut. Whatever fit in my little 4-door Kia Spectra drove with me across the country. San Diego to El Paso to Lafayette to Atlanta. {Home to Cheap Hotel to Cheap Hotel to New Home.} Three days on the road to a new land, and then car unpacked into unfamiliar apartment with unfamiliar roommate. And now? All of my stuff wouldn't even fit into an SUV. I have suddenly accumulated stuff. Things. Material Objects. I know that I can't live my life by keeping everything down to an area equal to the size of a Kia Spectra, but attempting to do so certainly couldn't hurt......

10. Writers Block - I really really wanted to do National Novel Writing Month this month. And I didn't. Because I was afraid I didn't have anything important to say. I'm proud of myself for starting this blog and for writing in it semi-regularly, but I want to push myself more and get rid of my restraint when it comes to writing. Putting some effort into the development of my writer self would really make my year, and I'll try to do just that in 2011.

11. Soap. In 2011, I vow to use the things that I think are too beautiful to touch. I will drink the good wine, steep the fancy tea, use the smelly soap, and wear my nicest jewelry to the grocery store. I will keep nothing packaged or behind glass simply because it is too nice for the occasion. I will make sure that the 'right occasion' occurs in the right now, and I will not wait until tomorrow to unwrap the expensive chocolate. I will get rid of my nice things, and I will relish in doing so.

How will getting rid of these 11 things change my life?

I want to simplify the physical aspect of my life (things, objects, belongings).

I want to add to the emotional/mental aspects of my life (more writing, more stretching, more meditating)


I hope that this simplification and addition will equal an ability to be more, do more, live more, give more. For these eleven things that I get rid of, I know that I will gain so many more.

Reverb 10 Day Ten - Wisdom

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 10 - Wisdom
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I'm learning something about myself. I don't like the -est prompts. Anything that makes me pick one decision/moment/action above all of the rest is very difficult for me. I look at my life as a series of waves - crests and troughs - with no one wave standing taller than the others.

As for wise, that's another topic altogether.... Does learning to wake up at 5am every morning sound wise? How about joining a vanpool so I don't have to waste gas (or drive during rush hour) anymore? Moving in with Tom so we could stop paying for two different two bedroom homes that we both lived in alone? Convincing my family that we needed to take a family trip to Ireland?

All of those were good decisions, but I wouldn't call any of them wise..... I think a wise decision is one that you make with your true nature in mind, and is a decision that must be made even if it is not easy.

With that in mind, starting this blog was probably the wisest thing I've done all year. Not because I feel that I've written anything particularly profound here, but because the very act of writing every day (or at least trying to) is putting me in line with a few goals I've always had on the back burner.

I've always wanted to write something - to be a writer. My reason for not writing over all these years has been that I don't have anything to say. I keep waiting for the magic words to flow spontaneously from my mind to my fingertips to the page. Of course that hasn't been the case. I find myself rapidly approaching thirty and realizing that I still don't have anything to say.

We all have something to say. Tucked away in there somewhere our story waits patiently in the shadows, and some of us find the bravery to tell it (oh that one day I shall be so brave!). This blog has been about so much more than what it started as. In the beginning, I really just wanted a place to write about new recipes and a spot to put a paragraph at the end of the day. I wanted this to be a happy place. Not in a rainbows and fairies fake-happiness way, but in a better-find-something-good-about-this-bad-day-and-write-about-it way. I didn't want to come here and vent (but yes, it has happened). I wanted to come here and reflect in a positive way on what this life means to me. And in the process, I wanted to connect with other people. You are reading this. It makes me feel like I am connecting with you. Truly, you being here is magic for me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading.

The process of writing here - and not the content of the posts - has been cathartic. It has been hard. It has been my little space to take a deep breath at the end of the day. Most of all, it has been a place for me to find my voice. I am still trying to find that voice (I'm sure that the random mix of musings/book reviews/recipes/travel updates/life notes has told you that), but I have no doubt that my voice is coming. After all - so the cliche goes - it is the journey and not the destination that defines us. It is the journey that we will remember.

Thanks for being here on my journey. It really means a lot for me to have you here, so thanks for stopping by. I hope you come back again soon.

Reverb 10 Day Four - Wonder

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 4 - Wonder
How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

I've moved quite a bit since I was 18 - a bit of a nomad you might say. Once I moved to Georgia, however, I realized that while I enjoyed moving to new places, I had previously allowed myself to settle into the "local" role much too quickly. I felt that in order to belong to a place I needed to forgo the touristy spots and the local attractions. Looking back, I realize that I didn't truly experience a lot of the places I lived in. I vowed that Georgia would be different.

My first summer in Atlanta was my "Yankee in the South" summer. Yes, I actually told people that, and looking back I guess that's sort of embarrassing. What wasn't embarrassing was taking a ferry to Cumberland Island National Seashore, camping on Jekyll Island, driving through the Okefenokee Swamp. Since I couldn't find anyone to go with me, I went by myself. I bought guide books and hiking books of the area, and went on a solo 14-mile hike in the North Georgia Mountains. Even after I made a solid group of friends and got into a grad school student's routine, I still silently asked myself: "what would a tourist do?" I tried to take in all that the town could offer, and I tried to take everything in through a tourist's eye.

I try to think and act like a local when I travel, but thinking like a tourist in my own hometown has allowed me to be in constant wonder of my world.


**I'm in San Francisco until Wednesday, so this week I'll be a real tourist, not a 'local' one. So happy to be here, so happy to see my sister, and so happy that my work affords me the opportunity to travel to new places.

What about you? What do you do to cultivate a sense of wonder in your life?

Reverb 10 Day Three - Moment

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 3 - Moment
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

On April 17th, Tom and I pack up our bicycles, our bike gear, and some snacks. We pile into Tom's mom's car. She drops us at the end of the Silver Comet Trail and says farewell at 7am. We breathe in the cool air. Before leaving down the trail, Tom's mother snaps a picture of us. We are all smiles. We are happy. One of us knows that this is more than a bike trip, and the other will find out in just a few short hours.

In the early afternoon, we stop at the top of a large hill. We are in the middle of nowhere, and haven't seen another cyclist in at least an hour. We look out at the fields, at the beauty of the hills around us. I mention that it reminds me of where I went to college in the mountains of western North Carolina. I am struck by the perfect weather, by the exhilaration of having climbed a huge hill on my bicycle, at the excitement of going on a 100-mile bike ride from Atlanta to Anniston, AL. I stand between two trees, and it is the perfect day.

Before I know it, Tom proposes, I say yes, and we are giddy with excitement.... and disbelief. This is NOT the moment where I feel most alive, because the perfection of the moment and of the day actually makes me feel very much not alive. I am almost unaware of my senses, and probably need to be pinched.

When we decide to roll on again, we have another 10 miles to go before we reach our resting stop for the night. We decide not to call anyone until we get to our hotel. I savor this time. I have a secret. My life just changed, and I am going to hold it inside of me for a while. The wind rushes over and through me, and makes me feel alive. I am giddy, and can't stop smiling.

I am at the top of a hill, and it is a long way down. I am unsure on a bicycle. I hesitate. I have fallen before. When I was little. When I was on rollerblades. Since that accident I have been unable to bike down a hill without riding my brakes.

Tom wants to get to our hotel. The ride has been fun, but we are tired, happy and ready to celebrate. We are engaged. We want to call our family, our friends. We want to celebrate, to get off our bikes and stretch our legs. Tom is patient with my cautious riding, has been patient all day. He urges me to go faster, to get to our final destination quickly. I start down the hill, and I want to ride my brakes the whole way like I usually do. "Don't ride your brakes" he yells from behind me. "You'll be fine!"

Yes, I agree to myself. I will be fine. I relax on the bike. I go faster and faster. I lean into the wind. I am scared, but the wind rushes over me and through me and makes my stomach flip. I race faster and faster down the hill, and I resist the urge to slow my momentum.

In this moment, I feel truly alive. I am afraid, and I push through the fear. In pushing through fear and fully embracing it, I become exhilarated. I am full of energy. Tears come to my eyes. I am happy, and my heart has room only for joy.

Reverb 10 Day Two - Writing

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt every day.

December 2 - Writing

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

What a timely prompt for 12/2, because as you can see I did not make time for writing yesterday. Instead, I made time for:

1. Making dinner with Tom
2. Talking with Tom
3. Watching the first Harry Potter with Tom (we are watching the entire series in preparation for seeing the latest one in the theater).

Yesterday, I favored relationship over writing. For me, relationship will always win, because I am sustained most, nurtured most, and fed most by my relationships with other people.

On most days, I do not make time for writing because - quite honestly - I am fearful that I have nothing to say or that what I have to say is not important enough to write down. In truth, I have always wanted to be a writer (second only to my desire to be a sheep farmer), and there must come a day when I a) realize that I do have something to say and b) write anyway, whether the thoughts are important or not.

Today I will try to pause for reflection, and to write those reflections down.

What about you? What gets in the way of your writing? Or, if writing isn't your thing, you can substitute singing/dancing/knitting/running/playing basketball/reading classic novels. What do you do during your day that does not contribute to your passion? And can you eliminate it?

Reverb 10 Day One - One Word

I'm participating in Reverb 10, a fantastic month-long initiative for reflection. Here I will be responding to one prompt ever day.

December 1 One Word.

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

When I saw the prompt for today, I had a moment of panic-slash-i-don't-know-about-this.

I'm not a one word type of gal. One thought takes me many words, and my brain is definitely not a succinct being. I twirl an idea around on itself, toss it back and forth and mull it over for ages before acting on it. And when I want to write something, I just start blathering on about nonsense until the conclusion just sort of finds itself.

But I'm sure you know that by now.

The point is, the idea of coming up with one word - just one! - for this crazy, complicated, happy, involved year is just..... hard.

But when I was talking with my friend Christina on the phone a few minutes ago, and I was talking in much the way I think (circular, no rhyme or reason, chaotic), I stumbled over the word.

Limbo.

I feel like I am in limbo. Recently I entered the part of my life that didn't require a plan. I thought that once I got into grad school (check), found a cool internship (check), finished my thesis (torturous check), graduated (check), met great guy (check), and landed a "real" job (check), my need for change/excitement/travel would suddenly be squelched and I would enter into that miraculous stable-but-exciting part of life called adulthood where I would have nary a worry.

And now I am restless. For something else. For a goal/purpose/task/plan.

For some reason I'm finding it difficult to enjoy this crazy, beautiful, scary life just as it is.

Without a goal in mind.

Without a purpose.

Just as it is.

So it is. Limbo. And in order to jump out of this limbo I get crazy ideas. Like applying to a PhD program. Just so I have a goal to work towards and a point in the future where I can channel all of my energy. Even though going through a PhD program would be a sort of torture that I should never willingly put myself through. {PhD programs are not inherently evil (maybe?), but I suffered enough getting my Master's degree that I should know better than to sign up for an enhanced version of that experience.} I should not put myself through an unnecessary torture just so I can be working towards a goal right?...... Right?

This year has scared me. Without anything to run towards, I am forced to pause. To reflect. To watch the tiny whispers of my life. To become accustomed to pattern, to stillness, to growth. To quiet. And I think I'm realizing - right now - that in order to continue growing, I need to reframe this view that I have of my life. What I see as Limbo is really just stillness.

Stillness. That feeling that you get when you work on something so attentively that you cease to have intruding thoughts. Think washing dishes, working in the garden, knitting. I am able to so fully lose myself in these activities that I can wake up from them moments (seconds? hours?) later and realize that I have completed the entire task without giving it thought. These moments are my meditations, my moments of grace.

For 2011, I hope to have some version of this grace in my daily life. Not just on the rare occasion that I handwash an entire sink of dishes, but in the bigger picture as well. Rather than developing a goal for tomorrow I hope that I find a way to pause in the today. To breathe in deeply, to give my energy to the things I really care about (family, writing, friends, laughing) rather than the things I really don't (more of this, less of that, another job, another city, another goal).

2010: Limbo
2011: Stillness

What about you? What is your word for 2010? 2011?